the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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