Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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