she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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