her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
