The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
