i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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