Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
