there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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