I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
