my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
