you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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