I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
