At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
