I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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