I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
