why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
