I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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