Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
