I think my vagina is haunted
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
