mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
