Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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