Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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