Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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