it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
