I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
