I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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