My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
