i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
