Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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