The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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