her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Come on in and take your pants off
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