Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
