Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
a search helicopter?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
