Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No...this little piggys going to the bar
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
