You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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