I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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