He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's never too late to be topless.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
