YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
