1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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