You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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