There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
