how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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