omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's shark week go big or go home
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
