come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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