Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
