Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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