I'm so fucking centered right now
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
