And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
