Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
