She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
