did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
