Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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